Re: Pool Cue Winter Care

Dear Pool Player,

It's your cue, and we've got beef.

I'm writing this from the cold blackness of your car trunk, where you've been "storing" me the past four frigid months. We don't play together much anymore, and I know it's because I've lost my shape. And, before you start, that's on you, not me. Wasn't it your sweet mother who said the night she gifted me to you, "You've got to treat your cue like a person—take care of it, cherish it, and together you'll go places"?

Too bad you weren't listening, because if you had been, we'd still be playing together. But, after all this time locked in the trunk, my shaft is warped, I'm caked in hand sweat and chalk residue, and my ferrule is jacked up from your poor chalking technique. I know you can't help your sweaty hands, but all the rest of this wear and tear could have been avoided if you'd at least done the bare minimum to maintain my pristine figure when it counted.

You're on to a new cue. I get it. Our time has pass and I've come to accept that. Just, well, take a second and listen to these suggestions so that you and your new cue have a longer relationship than we did.

First, for God's sake, don't expose a cue to shifting climates. That means don't leave us in your freezing Wisconsin-winter trunk, then drop us into your 75-degree living room. We're made of wood, which makes us a living thing that adjusts with the temperature. Remember what happened to George Costanza after getting out of the pool? That's a thing for us too. But, unlike George, we don't go back to normal.

Second, occasionally give your new cue a good wipe down with a dry cloth. You should have caught the hint months ago when Jerry down at the pool hall called me a stretched-out sticky Smurf. You want to know why we shanked all those shots in our last tournament? Because you couldn't get a smooth stroke with all that hand oil and chalk dust I absorbed. So, in the future, wipe your cue down. Or wear a glove. Or do both. Do both.

Lastly, and this may be too much to suggest, but buy a cue case. Switching between the cold and warm did a number on me, but so did being dog-piled by groceries, beer cases, and your kid's hockey gear in the trunk. Side note, your daughter's hockey stick will be getting in touch with you soon, FYI. All I'm saying is, a decent, padded case would have protected me from the beatings I took rolling around the trunk. It's too late for me, but it's not too late for your new cue.

PS Watch a few cue chalking videos. You're supposed to gently brush the tip, not sharpen a pencil.

Best of luck with your new flame.

Regards,

Your Old Cue